Getting back into Bondage

When you top from the bottom whilst feeling submissive to someone who is not really embracing the lifestyle, there is a line between trying to do her a favour and pushing your own kink. I don't believe that it is possible not to push your kink at all but there is plenty of doubt that what you do is doing her a favour.

This weekend one of my topping activities was clearly converted into being in favour. I was not given the option to share the bed but it was made clear from the start that the floor was my fate for at least this weekend.

Last night we progressed into bondage. Usually in the past there were serious boundaries to cross to even be allowed self bondage in her presence. This weekend she merely nodded me off making sure the keys were located far away enough for me not to be able to reach them.  When I hinted that some teasing may be really mean she only smiled and said that no teasing was somewhat meaner. I do wonder if she has done some research.

On the Floor Revisited

Sicne I last slept on the floor I have been asked to sleep in her bed for one weekend. There was the excuse that the spare bed sheets were not available but I was worried that my partner was unhappy with me being not sharing the bed. I did not want to top from the bottom, so I complied but I was somewhat unhappy. It is much nicer falling asleep thinking of my partner as the one who deserves better than me than sharing the same benefits and being worried of waking her at night. So last weekend, I enjoyed the comfort and when she complained the the sheets were slightly smelly on Sunday morning I reminded her that it was of her own choosing.

When I arrived yesterday, she had accepted the benefit of not sharing the bed. She promptly asked me to sleep on the floor and I was indeed happy about it. I think this will remain like this for a while now and I am looking forward to being reminded of my position as someone who accepts to lie at her feet in favour to the more comfortable bed.

This morning we had an appointment to go to and I sat at the foot of her bed about half an hour before we had to wake up and slowly massaged her feet. gradually I worked my way up to give her a full body massage. I felt so lucky to have a partner who is selfish enough to treat me the way she does but still stands by me. I really love that in her.

Cage/Bed Combo

I have been thinking on how the sleeping on the floor thing can continue after we live together permanently. I am sure my partner will not appreciate this as a long term solution. At the same time she will not appreciate me sleeping next to her, getting sweaty and having to wash sheets every 3-4 days - which would be the norm, considering her very sensitive sense of smell. One option I have been thinking of is a bed that houses a separate bed. I am aware of these bed that have a secondary bed as a drawer, I have been thinking about something like that. potentially with a very narrow mattress and a slightly higher frame so I could actually lie in the 'drawer' when it is pushed in. Lying under her inside the bed is a huge turn on for me and I think she may approve of the idea.
If anyone who reads this can recommend a place that creates such beds (it does not neccessarily need to be a kink supplier), any recommendations are welcome.

Falling asleep in subspace

Sometimes I feel bad when topping from the bottom, but often I feel I can justify it.

Yesterday was a very important day for both of us and I wanted to make sure that my mind would reflect this significance appropriately. I wanted her to know how important she is to me and that I will suffer for her to be happy. I tried to explain this to her by asking her to lock my hands behind my back when I went to sleep. She did. I loved what this did to my mind when I laid there through over an our of not being able to sleep before finally I dozed off.

I woke up later and used the keys she insisted that I have available but I wanted to have fallen asleep tied and uncomfortable.

Random Feeling

I do not understand the emotions that befall over me sometime. I love the feeling of being ignored, told to do something merely to make sure I am not annoying her or in her way. Suddenly around lunchtime a feeling came over me that I wanted to come back home this weekend and be told to quickly get ready for be and then lie down on my mattress straight away. Not be allowed to speak to her until spoken to an not be spoken to until the next morning. I hoped she'd cuff my hands behind my back as well. It was just a daydream though.

Dream to Reality

So there I was, lying on a mat, no more than half an inch thick on the floor. After months of dreaming about it, a reality check is great. It reminds one how much daydream desires and reality differ at times.

But I have no regret. Not a single one. So here is how I felt:

• I felt thankful: My partner accepted my desire, she allowed me to go through with it and she did not budge a bit. I was allowed to sleep down there and if I had tried ti change my mind I am certain she would have reminded me of that for a long time. 
• I felt the pain: It is not meant to be easygoing. It is not meant to be cushy an soft it is meant to be a reminder that I do not deserve as much as I seek for her. Or rather that looking forward I hope that she will be able to withhold this comfort from me whenever she desires - without feeling any remorse or regret and maybe even enjoying it. 
• I felt proud: We have a spare bedroom with a nice bed and I could have opted for that, but again its not the idea. I desire to be close, I desire to feel the pain for being close. Being close I could look at her sleeping there at any point in time. I was there to massage her feet is she woke up or asked for it.
• I felt desire: To be honest all night I was very aroused. I was further away than I would normally be but I felt close. I felt I did what was fair to her (make sure her bed sheets will not smell or otherwise be spoilt by me). I felt she was there in all her grace without the slightest impurity.

I loved last night and I hope there will be many more. Yes I did not sleep a lot but enough. Sleep is overrated it's like practising death.