Public Massage

We are travelling a lot at the moment and life keeps us so occupied that there is little naughty thoughts or feelings to write about. I feel like it is abandoning the blog a bit, so here a little event from earlier today.

We were on a short haul flight and I had - as so often not managed to pack the reading that feels exciting enough to dedicate any time to. My partner - on the other hand - was happily scanning through page after page on her Kindle, her legs rested on my legs. I tried to keep my legs in the position that would be most comfortable to her and felt a wonderful warmth of having a subservient role for the women I regard as my mistress. 

Then in an effort to make it even more comfortable to her, I decided to take off her boots and give her a deep tissue foot massage for the remainder of the flight. A bloke who sat next to me looked a wee bit surprised and kept staring at me. I first felt excitement and distracted. But I then remembered that all I was doing was to give my partner a relaxing massage. I concentrated on the massage and ignored the stares of the guy next to me.

I felt happy to have the privilege to massage this gorgeous girl that I love. I felt I had a purpose there and then, a purpose much higher than what may be expected. 

The Cool Factor

I am a fairly uncool somewhat geeky person. I haven't got much of a style of clothing to be honest and my sense of fashion is pretty non-existant. My partner does regularly ask me to wear specific things and I sometimes feel like a dress up doll.

I once thought the ultimate cool factor was a Fossil watch - and whilst they are nice, I was never picky and just chose any I could find on sale. This has changed quite a bit since I met my partner. I will like Fossil but I buy the one that looks cool to her. Today I got complimented on my watch by some sales guy at the train station. Now I first thought it was weird but then realised that he was very brand and fashion aware. I felt it was a true compliment to my partner and felt that defining a style is a great way how the female lead can really contribute to a better more confident self.

Conflicts

Any regular readers - so they exist- may have noticed that there are no comments from my partner on this blog. It is intended to resolve conflict, to explain my thoughts to help her understand who I am and what I seek in our relationship.

She knows I am writing this. She could visit it at any time. But she does not.

To me there is no doubt that she is a very dominant person. I do not want to dominate her from the bottom yet I do. One of the professional Mistresses reading this site has stated that she will write a blog post about this topic at some point. I am very much looking forward to this. It is a steady source of conflict and I feel like I am walking on a very narrow path, I hope that this blog will eventually widen that path, make it an A road, I don't really want the motorway but I would not want to step onto the brakes if that was to happen either.

So where are we now? Something has tied us together for 7 years. 7 happy years of long distance relationship. We are different people and all this has worked because we did not see each other day by day. I know we won't gel well enough if we do live day by day like we lived on weekends. She drives me nuts. She has very clear ideas of what I am allowed to wear. She is not interested in sex most of the time but likes to ask for massages 5 times a day. She needs time for herself, extended periods when I am not supposed to interfere with her life at all.Yet she hates it when I am concentrating on something and cannot be disturbed. I could go on.
If I was mean, I might say my partner does not compromise but that would be unfair. She has compromised in many ways. But she can be very egocentric and does not at all see other people's points at times. That is a wonderful place to be when one is submissive. But it is a hell of a place when you are meant to be equals.

So the conflict point is this boundary. I love her when I am in my submissive mindset. It gives her an excuse for pretty much anything she comes up with. She often accepts this but sometimes she rejects the submission the headspace has to go, yet I have to accept ideas that I would feel troublesome to accept in a normal friend.

Random Feeling

I do not understand the emotions that befall over me sometime. I love the feeling of being ignored, told to do something merely to make sure I am not annoying her or in her way. Suddenly around lunchtime a feeling came over me that I wanted to come back home this weekend and be told to quickly get ready for be and then lie down on my mattress straight away. Not be allowed to speak to her until spoken to an not be spoken to until the next morning. I hoped she'd cuff my hands behind my back as well. It was just a daydream though.

Aftercare

The lack of active community participation means for me that I am not sure how well I understand the typical FLR relationship if there is such a thing at all, but yesterday there was a moment when I was very frustrated. The reason for this frustration may be a lack of aftercare.

We both headed to bed very early by our standards (about 9 pm) and I felt my partner really wanted some more massages. I spend a while massaging her body and it became clear she was after more than I foot and back massage. 

I kissed and touched her in the way that I know increases her arousal and then complied with her order to hug me. I was somewhat frustrated that she turned away from me while I was hugging her. It felt like I was giving this hug to her, but there was nothing she gave in return, I  kept hugging her for 20 minutes and then slowly started to massaged her again. Starting as a gentle back rub, his gradually developed into a second orgasm and hug and shortly after midnight I was finally asked to head off the bed onto my hard and less comfy mattress at the foot of the bed. Now readers will know that this is my choice but I was very glad that there was a clear expectation from her to comply with this self imposed rule.

Once there, I was given permission to masturbate. This was the first time I was allowed to masturbate on this this layer of foam separating me from the floor. When I masturbate I usually arch my body. A normal mattress nicely reflects this shape but the half inch layer of from, does not. What appeared to be a normal masturbation exercise turned into a fairly energy consuming acrobatics, where I ended up arching my whole body with my rear end  raised probably about 2 inches above the floor. I am not athletic at the best of times but this was a tough workout and I was truly exhausted. 

My partner had listened to my heavy breathing and movements and commented something when I was done. I did not dare to try to get her to hug me. But I knew I was unable to head back to sleep straight away. I watched some tv before heading back to bed. Despite having just come I felt very submissive for giving her the peace she wanted to sleep. Feeling submissive was a kind of after care, but it was also a cold feeling. I think I could learn to love that feeling, but I am not sure if I want to unless she asks me to. 

Geeky Sub

I have for a few days felt I wanted to write about the combination of being geeky and submissive. I am a bit on the logically fuelled spectrum of humankind, which probably is a key reason why my feelings as a sub often confuse me so much.

As a teenager, when exploring the interaction of masturbation, internet and submission there is a lot of self-submission available, usually defined through some logical rules. There were plenty of websites, where you could masturbate to some Hollywood beauties' fake naked pictures with comments and refresh delays and there was a chance of 10% or less that at the end you were allowed to get an orgasm. Other people have written stories about games that were very logically minded or depended on time passing. I fell for these.

When introducing an increasing level of submission into our bedroom, I thought it was a great idea to help her by giving her rules. We started a countdown for masturbation 60 seconds and I had to come or a countdown form ten at her leisure.

We did engage in some of these but they proved utterly useless. Refusing an orgasm is only fun if you are close to the edge. Depending on arousal 60 seconds was either way too long or way too short and a countdown at leisure would be timed to either succeed or fail, for a girl with little experience in the tease and deny business it was rather hard to get it just right.

Frustrated as I was, I opted for stochastics. Getting a formulae that would give me a 5% chance seemed a good idea but this meant we had to do something with numbers and my partner just was not that geeky. Even throwing a dice is a bit of a turn off when you are getting down and dirty.

It took me a fair share of time to realise something that in retrospect appears so simple. All I needed to do was whet her appetite to be a little bit cruel/selfish/dominant/spoilt. IF you want to teach someone to be mean, don't use numbers. If anything at all it feels that they are mean to her if she cannot fully follow the maths behind them.

However there is still one number that she does use. The minutes I spent massaging her. If I stop too early I will certainly know how long it has been - though I am sure she sometimes negotiates that number down.

Shoes

I have an incredible lack of understanding for a lot of fetishes (the ones I do not have), as can probably be deduced from this post. However when it comes to having fetishes myself, I have a few and they weigh strong. Furthermore, I am not often to be treated to many of my fetishes as they are not shared between my and my partner.  So when they are catered for, they come even stronger.

My partner does not think of her feet as sexy, so I very rarely get to see them and despite massaging them frequently, I am often asked to massage them through the socks. My fetish for feet is already making itself felt quite strongly when I see the socked feet. Last weekend when I was sleeping at the foot of her bed, I woke up very early and saw her in the bed, all covered but her socks sticking out. I was short of taking a photo as a reminder.

In 'real life' she hardly ever wears any shoes that feature anything resembling a heel. She wears trainers to work where she changes into a very sexy collection of heels but she does not ever wear them back home. I am just the poor guy who listens to her complaining without ever having the benefit of seeing them.

As we will get married this autumn, my partner has been looking for wedding shoes. Last Saturday she got changed to get ready to try her wedding dress. Now in this preparation she showed me the beautiful shoes she will be wearing. At the sight of her naked feet slipping into high heels, I immediately got weak knees. I know if will likely not get this view again until the big day, so I am somewhat worried that on the day I might truly end up kneeling down as she will walk along the aisle.

Slap!

There is one thing that happened yesterday that has ignited a little smouldering fire that only now very slowly settles in my emotions to a somewhat more prominent role.

In out 7 year relationship my partner has slapped me yesterday for the first time. Now I should just ignore this, it was not a serious slap more meant as a joke, but to me it was a milestone. My partner is very physical in the relationship. She does not hesitate a full on body contact fight to kick me out of bed if she wants breakfast and I am a lazy ass tired person in the morning. But she has never ever slapped me.

Yesterday, I had made some comment (I cannot even remember what about) and she disliked it. She asked me to come to her looked at me and slapped me.

Certainly in its own right this is not a huge change. But to me there is something that has changed. She did not discuss, she acted. There was a new confidence that I would accept what she said without arguing or protest.

I knelt down in front of her and said "I'm sorry".