Vanilla vs. Kink

I have sometimes thought how my life would have changed if I had decided at the age of 18 or so to mix with a decidedly and openly kinky crowd, attended munches and tried to find a dominant partner who was out on the market to find submissive men.

Today my partner sent me a message with what is probably the cutest picture of her that I have ever seen. To me a cute picture makes me wiggle (not sure its the right word but its this feeling where my knees suddenly develop a sense of instability that I tend to get when cycling). I love cute rejection. I love it when she behaves cute and sexy and then when it comes to the time where normal couples would have sex she dismisses me, brief with little emotion. I love the feeling of being a some sort of tool in those moments. She loves the attention she can attract but that is it.

I love her and it is not the kink that drives that feeling, it is her nature and she does not play a role this is her full on.

Getting back into Bondage

When you top from the bottom whilst feeling submissive to someone who is not really embracing the lifestyle, there is a line between trying to do her a favour and pushing your own kink. I don't believe that it is possible not to push your kink at all but there is plenty of doubt that what you do is doing her a favour.

This weekend one of my topping activities was clearly converted into being in favour. I was not given the option to share the bed but it was made clear from the start that the floor was my fate for at least this weekend.

Last night we progressed into bondage. Usually in the past there were serious boundaries to cross to even be allowed self bondage in her presence. This weekend she merely nodded me off making sure the keys were located far away enough for me not to be able to reach them.  When I hinted that some teasing may be really mean she only smiled and said that no teasing was somewhat meaner. I do wonder if she has done some research.

On the Floor Revisited

Sicne I last slept on the floor I have been asked to sleep in her bed for one weekend. There was the excuse that the spare bed sheets were not available but I was worried that my partner was unhappy with me being not sharing the bed. I did not want to top from the bottom, so I complied but I was somewhat unhappy. It is much nicer falling asleep thinking of my partner as the one who deserves better than me than sharing the same benefits and being worried of waking her at night. So last weekend, I enjoyed the comfort and when she complained the the sheets were slightly smelly on Sunday morning I reminded her that it was of her own choosing.

When I arrived yesterday, she had accepted the benefit of not sharing the bed. She promptly asked me to sleep on the floor and I was indeed happy about it. I think this will remain like this for a while now and I am looking forward to being reminded of my position as someone who accepts to lie at her feet in favour to the more comfortable bed.

This morning we had an appointment to go to and I sat at the foot of her bed about half an hour before we had to wake up and slowly massaged her feet. gradually I worked my way up to give her a full body massage. I felt so lucky to have a partner who is selfish enough to treat me the way she does but still stands by me. I really love that in her.

Privileges

We recently discussed our upcoming wedding and when joking about finances and divorce, my partner mentioned that she only needs an annulment until the marriage actually has been consumed and considering the nature of our relationship that may well be some time.

Whilst it was a semi-joking conversation and divorce and annulment are both far from both out minds, I was reminded of this conversation today when I read the blog of Mistress Darcy. In one of her posts she mentioned that it is a privilege for a sub to use his tongue on her and that those subs are unworthy of intercourse. Whilst we do not have a cuckolding lifestyle, there is one common theme. Usually I massage my partner and often that is about it. If I get it right and she is in a good mood, then I might use my finger to give her and an orgasm or at least tease her a little towards it. Even less often, I will be allowed to use my tongue. With our current long distance relationship this is usually no more often than once a month. I might ask to be allowed to masturbate after these events but intercourse is very rare, so that I sometimes wonder if our first marital intercourse will be this side of Christmas.

Reading Mistress Darcy's blog made me realize that however submissive it may be to go down on my partner, it is not a humiliation, it is a privilege that is to be earned, and proven to be deserved each time my partner puts enough trust in me to allow me to go down. It is a skill to get it right, not to go straight for the kill but yet to make it an experience that she will enjoy.

By allowing me to touch her, she has shown me the faith in me that I can give her a wonderful experience. If I do not deliver, I fail her trust and her desire. It can be as frustrating as a bad day at work if not worse. I love having this responsibility and this trust and I take pride in giving my best in making sure I do not fail her.

Domination, Confidence and Trust

I have a theory about the relationship between confidence and trust.

Dominant people will always want to come across as confident. But there are plenty of dominant people that I would not trust. I have followed a lot of dominant women online in blogs, on boards as well as their own websites, if you look through reviews and feedback on forums and independent sites you quickly get a good feeling who you should not trust. I have tried to find common ground of people that seem to be trustworthy, but that can be a challenge at times.

My most reliable measure is confidence. Confidence is important for any dominant. Some dominants will present a different persona to their professional presentation than what they are in reality. I find that usually if that persona is self critical and allows the reader to find possible flaws, reflects over its own image in public, then there is some ground for being trustworthy. 

One excellent blog post that reflects such an image was posted by Lady Anna today. I am well impressed with the detail and consideration. However I do not think that it is fair to the professional dominants out there to only capture this end of the spectrum. Each relationship, even a non-D/s one has plenty of scope for abuse, and even from the submissive as both partners enter the relationship. 

Tammad Rimilia

I wanted to post about something entirely different today, but then clicking a few links to research, I came across a website that contained some content by Tammad Rimilia. I remember that back in my first few years of being online I kept reading Tammad's notes on his chastity lifestyle. 

When Tammad died in 2000, I was really devastated and whilst we obviously never met, the fact that his 'blog' - (I am unsure if that term had even been coined back then) made me experience some sort of grief. Realizing that it has been more than 10 years since then, I just feel amazed how deep and long the feelings of submission and the interest in this lifestyle has been with me. It feels horrible that his legacy of a website about chastity does not live either on the web anymore, there are a few stories, obituaries and a BDSM checklist still in his name.  

Cage/Bed Combo

I have been thinking on how the sleeping on the floor thing can continue after we live together permanently. I am sure my partner will not appreciate this as a long term solution. At the same time she will not appreciate me sleeping next to her, getting sweaty and having to wash sheets every 3-4 days - which would be the norm, considering her very sensitive sense of smell. One option I have been thinking of is a bed that houses a separate bed. I am aware of these bed that have a secondary bed as a drawer, I have been thinking about something like that. potentially with a very narrow mattress and a slightly higher frame so I could actually lie in the 'drawer' when it is pushed in. Lying under her inside the bed is a huge turn on for me and I think she may approve of the idea.
If anyone who reads this can recommend a place that creates such beds (it does not neccessarily need to be a kink supplier), any recommendations are welcome.

Conclusions: Independence and Dependence

When I first drew up the topics I wanted to write about in this series, I picked this title in lack of a better name. I am sure everyone has different definitions, so - yet again - let me provide mine before going into the detail.

Dependence is giving up my freedom of action and controlling what and when I do. It does not mean I depend on the person I submit to, but my actions depend on the instructions I am given. 


Independence is the level of freedom I have in how to execute these instructions. 


Let me give you the example of the massage. If my partner asks me to give her a massage, this is to me an order that I will follow. We will show where she wants to be massaged but It is my freedom, my independence to decide how I massage her. This independence is very important to me. It is the freedom of a submissive and it is what I wanted to test in the long precursor of the session I had when I saw a professional mistress.

Our scene started by text message instructions where I had to go and I was essentially asked to walk about 4 miles criss cross through the city. Each time I reached a location I was asked to wait further instructions. Both when walking and when waiting my mind was trying to be creative. I tried to walk a route that I was unfamiliar with, when arriving at the locations and waiting I was trying to sit or stand in a place where I would see this location in a way I had never seen it before. What I wanted to achieve is a slight feeling of control and dependence, a reminder that someone controlled me whilst trying to enjoy myself the best I could.

This is the critical bit for me. If I have any level of freedom, I want more. If I am constrained I will try to make most of it within the bounds that I have. It triggers thoughts that otherwise would not come to live, actions that I would not embark on. it makes me experiment with my mind.

Falling asleep in subspace

Sometimes I feel bad when topping from the bottom, but often I feel I can justify it.

Yesterday was a very important day for both of us and I wanted to make sure that my mind would reflect this significance appropriately. I wanted her to know how important she is to me and that I will suffer for her to be happy. I tried to explain this to her by asking her to lock my hands behind my back when I went to sleep. She did. I loved what this did to my mind when I laid there through over an our of not being able to sleep before finally I dozed off.

I woke up later and used the keys she insisted that I have available but I wanted to have fallen asleep tied and uncomfortable.

The Cool Factor

I am a fairly uncool somewhat geeky person. I haven't got much of a style of clothing to be honest and my sense of fashion is pretty non-existant. My partner does regularly ask me to wear specific things and I sometimes feel like a dress up doll.

I once thought the ultimate cool factor was a Fossil watch - and whilst they are nice, I was never picky and just chose any I could find on sale. This has changed quite a bit since I met my partner. I will like Fossil but I buy the one that looks cool to her. Today I got complimented on my watch by some sales guy at the train station. Now I first thought it was weird but then realised that he was very brand and fashion aware. I felt it was a true compliment to my partner and felt that defining a style is a great way how the female lead can really contribute to a better more confident self.

Conflicts

Any regular readers - so they exist- may have noticed that there are no comments from my partner on this blog. It is intended to resolve conflict, to explain my thoughts to help her understand who I am and what I seek in our relationship.

She knows I am writing this. She could visit it at any time. But she does not.

To me there is no doubt that she is a very dominant person. I do not want to dominate her from the bottom yet I do. One of the professional Mistresses reading this site has stated that she will write a blog post about this topic at some point. I am very much looking forward to this. It is a steady source of conflict and I feel like I am walking on a very narrow path, I hope that this blog will eventually widen that path, make it an A road, I don't really want the motorway but I would not want to step onto the brakes if that was to happen either.

So where are we now? Something has tied us together for 7 years. 7 happy years of long distance relationship. We are different people and all this has worked because we did not see each other day by day. I know we won't gel well enough if we do live day by day like we lived on weekends. She drives me nuts. She has very clear ideas of what I am allowed to wear. She is not interested in sex most of the time but likes to ask for massages 5 times a day. She needs time for herself, extended periods when I am not supposed to interfere with her life at all.Yet she hates it when I am concentrating on something and cannot be disturbed. I could go on.
If I was mean, I might say my partner does not compromise but that would be unfair. She has compromised in many ways. But she can be very egocentric and does not at all see other people's points at times. That is a wonderful place to be when one is submissive. But it is a hell of a place when you are meant to be equals.

So the conflict point is this boundary. I love her when I am in my submissive mindset. It gives her an excuse for pretty much anything she comes up with. She often accepts this but sometimes she rejects the submission the headspace has to go, yet I have to accept ideas that I would feel troublesome to accept in a normal friend.

We own the Night

I just watched this and it was a mediocre film in my book but, seeing Joaquin Phoenix treating Eva Mendes was well worth watching it.

Random Feeling

I do not understand the emotions that befall over me sometime. I love the feeling of being ignored, told to do something merely to make sure I am not annoying her or in her way. Suddenly around lunchtime a feeling came over me that I wanted to come back home this weekend and be told to quickly get ready for be and then lie down on my mattress straight away. Not be allowed to speak to her until spoken to an not be spoken to until the next morning. I hoped she'd cuff my hands behind my back as well. It was just a daydream though.

Aftercare

The lack of active community participation means for me that I am not sure how well I understand the typical FLR relationship if there is such a thing at all, but yesterday there was a moment when I was very frustrated. The reason for this frustration may be a lack of aftercare.

We both headed to bed very early by our standards (about 9 pm) and I felt my partner really wanted some more massages. I spend a while massaging her body and it became clear she was after more than I foot and back massage. 

I kissed and touched her in the way that I know increases her arousal and then complied with her order to hug me. I was somewhat frustrated that she turned away from me while I was hugging her. It felt like I was giving this hug to her, but there was nothing she gave in return, I  kept hugging her for 20 minutes and then slowly started to massaged her again. Starting as a gentle back rub, his gradually developed into a second orgasm and hug and shortly after midnight I was finally asked to head off the bed onto my hard and less comfy mattress at the foot of the bed. Now readers will know that this is my choice but I was very glad that there was a clear expectation from her to comply with this self imposed rule.

Once there, I was given permission to masturbate. This was the first time I was allowed to masturbate on this this layer of foam separating me from the floor. When I masturbate I usually arch my body. A normal mattress nicely reflects this shape but the half inch layer of from, does not. What appeared to be a normal masturbation exercise turned into a fairly energy consuming acrobatics, where I ended up arching my whole body with my rear end  raised probably about 2 inches above the floor. I am not athletic at the best of times but this was a tough workout and I was truly exhausted. 

My partner had listened to my heavy breathing and movements and commented something when I was done. I did not dare to try to get her to hug me. But I knew I was unable to head back to sleep straight away. I watched some tv before heading back to bed. Despite having just come I felt very submissive for giving her the peace she wanted to sleep. Feeling submissive was a kind of after care, but it was also a cold feeling. I think I could learn to love that feeling, but I am not sure if I want to unless she asks me to.