Wrapping up a day on my own

I am rarely at home on my own in our joint flat. Usually I am here for complete weekend if my partner is on holiday. Usually if she is on holiday, she will return at a point in time when I am not here. I try to leave the flat in a great condition but - as there is a cat and a cat minder for a few days between my weekend departure and her arrival. I cannot be taken responsible for most imperfections of the cleaning.

Today for actually the first time she will return with me clearly responsible for anything not up to her pristine cleaning. More so, she has come back from a girls' day at the spa so should not stress - which she easily does if anything is not tidy. So I have a true responsibility to make sure all is fine. I have done so for the last two hours. and now I really write this because I do not dare going anywhere else in the flat and starting to mess it up again.

I hope she will be fine and can continue relaxing. If there is anything, I hope I can help keep her in a relaxed mood and make sure she will request me to resolve it while she enjoys herself. I so wish she would learn to just ask me to redo anything I have not done to her satisfaction.

I can really no understand what keeps her from insisting I redo things if they are not done to her liking. She can be so wonderfully dismissive of me if I ask something she does not feel like doing, so humiliating when it comes to describing decisions I make that she disapproves of. But for some reasons, she has just not the patience to let me try again. I wish she had.

On the Floor

I slept very very well and I am glad I opted for the floor. I got very sweaty last night and she would notice her sheets being a bit smelly if I had slept in the bed. Before I fell asleep I came across this gallery. I have a bit of a fetish for legs and heels and shoes but there were a few images that triggered something else. If you zoom in on the last images where you see the floor of the hotel room, you see how dirty the floor is. I felt so thankful when I noticed this. Thankful that my partner is such a fanatic for a very very clean house. I am glad the floor I sleep on is excellently clean.

Sometimes though, I am sad that she would never make me responsible to look after the cleaning. She does not trust my standards.

No Stag Do

I an sequence of comments last week I was discussing her staying in a nice hotel whilst I was not allowed to. This is kind of happening tonight. I have just driven 5 hours to our flat for the weekend. The flat is empty, she is away with her friends for an early hen night to a nice spa somewhere.

We discussed hen night and stag to a few months ago and she was clear that I won't be allowed one. I should be frustrated but actually, it makes me happy to know she has this wonderful sense of superiority. It makes me happy to know she is enjoying herself.

It will feel weird sleeping on the floor again - on my own without her being in the bed next to me. But I have a long list of things to organise for her tomorrow so I will be busy until mid afternoon when I have to pick her up.

Geeky Sub

I have for a few days felt I wanted to write about the combination of being geeky and submissive. I am a bit on the logically fuelled spectrum of humankind, which probably is a key reason why my feelings as a sub often confuse me so much.

As a teenager, when exploring the interaction of masturbation, internet and submission there is a lot of self-submission available, usually defined through some logical rules. There were plenty of websites, where you could masturbate to some Hollywood beauties' fake naked pictures with comments and refresh delays and there was a chance of 10% or less that at the end you were allowed to get an orgasm. Other people have written stories about games that were very logically minded or depended on time passing. I fell for these.

When introducing an increasing level of submission into our bedroom, I thought it was a great idea to help her by giving her rules. We started a countdown for masturbation 60 seconds and I had to come or a countdown form ten at her leisure.

We did engage in some of these but they proved utterly useless. Refusing an orgasm is only fun if you are close to the edge. Depending on arousal 60 seconds was either way too long or way too short and a countdown at leisure would be timed to either succeed or fail, for a girl with little experience in the tease and deny business it was rather hard to get it just right.

Frustrated as I was, I opted for stochastics. Getting a formulae that would give me a 5% chance seemed a good idea but this meant we had to do something with numbers and my partner just was not that geeky. Even throwing a dice is a bit of a turn off when you are getting down and dirty.

It took me a fair share of time to realise something that in retrospect appears so simple. All I needed to do was whet her appetite to be a little bit cruel/selfish/dominant/spoilt. IF you want to teach someone to be mean, don't use numbers. If anything at all it feels that they are mean to her if she cannot fully follow the maths behind them.

However there is still one number that she does use. The minutes I spent massaging her. If I stop too early I will certainly know how long it has been - though I am sure she sometimes negotiates that number down.

Shoes

I have an incredible lack of understanding for a lot of fetishes (the ones I do not have), as can probably be deduced from this post. However when it comes to having fetishes myself, I have a few and they weigh strong. Furthermore, I am not often to be treated to many of my fetishes as they are not shared between my and my partner.  So when they are catered for, they come even stronger.

My partner does not think of her feet as sexy, so I very rarely get to see them and despite massaging them frequently, I am often asked to massage them through the socks. My fetish for feet is already making itself felt quite strongly when I see the socked feet. Last weekend when I was sleeping at the foot of her bed, I woke up very early and saw her in the bed, all covered but her socks sticking out. I was short of taking a photo as a reminder.

In 'real life' she hardly ever wears any shoes that feature anything resembling a heel. She wears trainers to work where she changes into a very sexy collection of heels but she does not ever wear them back home. I am just the poor guy who listens to her complaining without ever having the benefit of seeing them.

As we will get married this autumn, my partner has been looking for wedding shoes. Last Saturday she got changed to get ready to try her wedding dress. Now in this preparation she showed me the beautiful shoes she will be wearing. At the sight of her naked feet slipping into high heels, I immediately got weak knees. I know if will likely not get this view again until the big day, so I am somewhat worried that on the day I might truly end up kneeling down as she will walk along the aisle.

Conclusions: Helplessness

I am a strong believer of what is called "Learned Helplessness". It is the theory in psychology that helplessness is the perceived absence of control over yourself. To link back to the CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and one of its key pillars the action-belief-consequence system, the belief in learned helplessness is a big support when you try to change your lifestyle.

I have in the past felt comfort in the excuse of being helpless to turn some behaviour off. Take comfort eating. You eat despite not being hungry and it is comfortable. If you feel you should lose weight, you seek comfort in perceiving the helplessness that you are unable to face the challenge. There is a vicious circle waiting to draw its fangs closer around you. If you are in such a circle and manage to break it, then you will realize that you will indeed give up a significant level of comfort that you have accepted and enjoyed over several years.

All around us there are behaviours that society and maybe some friends will try to convince us are not good for us. If we have engaged in these forms of behaviour, we have taken a comfort in them. If there is any doubt in that moment, then it helps to be helpless.

A professional mistress once described to me seeing a mistress as a 'hobby'. I felt devastated, felt I wanted to utterly disagree. If being submissive is a 'hobby', how does that relate to being gay or lesbian? The more I thought about this and reflected on the way I felt when I was truly helplessly bound, the more I realized that I'd agree.

Technically all we want to get in our life are desires. Each person has different hormonal levels and triggers for these desires and hence we are interested in different things. Some desires can be moulded and change over time (substitute tea with coffee) others are non-interchangeable and will persist throughout your life but you can refuse to act them out.

So being a submissive is a 'hobby' just as sailing is then. I might swap sailing for surfing because I learn that it triggers the same emotions, I might struggle finding a substitute for being submissive - but hey who knows.

Now society teaches me that there are many bad things about bdsm and if society fails me then there is my nervous system that might tell me pain is bad. So I am divided between the submission and all that comes with it and it being the right thing to do.

This is where helplessness comes in for me. If I wear shackles that keep me form walking more than a few inches with each step and my hands are behind my back, then I am much more helpless and much less likely to suddenly say, hang on is this really going to make things easier if I do this. That's the cycle I like about bondage and sensory deprivation. I love the emotions that it triggers, I love the feel of the leather, but I also like that if something wants to take over my mind and tell me that there is something not right here, then I cannot help it anyway.

The Rules of Engagement

I just read Thumper's article "Still Hard". I am not sure if I can follow him. I think for both of us the true delight is the experience of giving pleasure. If I have observed my partner correctly though, a long massage that might arouse her can be ultimately more pleasurable than being brought to an orgasm.

I also sometime have the feedback that there is a point when she decides whether she wants to reach orgasm or merely wants to enjoy the sensation. I am constantly trying to find the little signs that give away the route we are on as I know that the non orgasm route desires different sensations than the orgasm route.

Yes, the further we travel on this route the more frustrating it is not to give her the orgasm. But I always feel this is very short sighted. As I wrote previously the highlight to me is the hug. And that can be a lot deeper without her reaching the climax.

Slap!

There is one thing that happened yesterday that has ignited a little smouldering fire that only now very slowly settles in my emotions to a somewhat more prominent role.

In out 7 year relationship my partner has slapped me yesterday for the first time. Now I should just ignore this, it was not a serious slap more meant as a joke, but to me it was a milestone. My partner is very physical in the relationship. She does not hesitate a full on body contact fight to kick me out of bed if she wants breakfast and I am a lazy ass tired person in the morning. But she has never ever slapped me.

Yesterday, I had made some comment (I cannot even remember what about) and she disliked it. She asked me to come to her looked at me and slapped me.

Certainly in its own right this is not a huge change. But to me there is something that has changed. She did not discuss, she acted. There was a new confidence that I would accept what she said without arguing or protest.

I knelt down in front of her and said "I'm sorry". 

Conclusions: Isolation

As per my previous post, I am starting this series with the topic of Isolation. I chose Isolation for a number of reasons: It is very close to my heart given my previous fantasies, it has recently featured in this post in a blog that I follow and I feel I can very much connect to that post. Last but not least, Isolation is something I have in one form or another experienced and very much enjoyed.

Definition

I feel Isolation is a poorly defined term and I also feel that thinking a bit deeper about what it can encompass is quite enlightening - particularly if your partner would not touch a padlock and leather shackle at the same time.

Isolation is often described as taking away senses. But some senses apparently can be taken away more easily then others. Just think about taking away the sense of taste. It appears difficult to take that away.

It is also frequently stated that taking one sense away makes other senses more -uhm sensitive. Again, this is somewhat superficial as I can limit a sense's sensitivity (for example by using headphones in the ears) so that the observations of that sense are just dumbed down, but they may be even more important or trigger the person's concentration on that sense. 

Let me try to approach this from an entirely different angle. Isolation is a psychological activity. The senses are not the key, it is altering the perception of the senses. Take the ABC model of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, you have the action which is registered by the senses, the belief and the consequence. The consequence is how a person reacts or perceives the action and this depends on the belief. 

Isolation is a medium to long chain of activities. It does not work in 10 seconds. So Isolation does not just affect a single action but a long chain of actions. An action can alter the belief. Now the poorer we understand an action, the more uncertainty is planted by the inputs to our belief system. 

Isolation is the continuous manipulation of a person's perception of their environment leading to an increasing loss of understanding of the environment and increased caution and distress when responding to interaction.

Just to be clear my definition is a contradiction to what;'s on Wikipedia and is purely personal. It also encompasses a wider spectrum. My definition would for example consider standing in the corner facing the wall as isolation. 

Fantasies

My fantasies on isolation have been long and deep. At a very early age, I was dreaming about being completely isolated from my environment, blacked out for long terms, not knowing or understanding anything that happened around me.

These ideas were usually connected to heavy bondage and mummification. I remember dreaming of a steel container that was perfectly matching the shape of my body for this type of scenario.

If it was only for the isolation, I also would have been very much drawn to the idea of a week in the OWK prison, asked to spend my days in a cell with no natural light and no other input to my thoughts other than having to stand during the day and be allowed to lie for 10 hours a night.

Experiences


Luckily, in real life, the world is much saner. I have learned that isolation works well for me for periods of a couple of hours as long as the setting is not painful or uncomfortable. I try to find something that I can focus on.

I have been tied in a quality body bag with a very restrictive hood for a few minutes (my estimate is 15 to 30). I was sure in that situation, that I could have easily done this for several hours. However having been tied into a cage that was too short for me to lie in was very uncomfortable and I would hope not having to endure this for any long periods. When in bondage (both in this scenario as well as when asked just to stand somewhere whilst not moving, I try to focus on maintaining an erection, having this focus point truely helps keeping my mind occupied.

I do however also consider a session where I had to walk guided by text messages isolation of some sort. It was deeply inappropriate to speak to anyone or interact with any person during this period. I was unsure what and when then next set of instructions would be sent to me. The situation was very inspiring for me. I focussed on a lot of thing I had never noticed in the same environment before. Having to identify things to occupy your mind will draw attention to small details in a way that my normal self is to preoccupied to do in every day life.

I absolutely enjoyed this and would love to experience this in a longer extended environment and maybe a more channelled way of directing my thinking.


Conclusions


As I am not planning to undertake any scenes with anyone other than my partner, I have been trying to think of suitable situations to further explore isolation. Based on my definition I am seeking situation where I have no control over the duration of the event and things that would happen around me. There should be an ongoing or better even increasing level of not understanding how the situation changes from moment to moment.

I can think of a number of ways how I can increase this helplessness in every day life. This will not change my environment moment by moment but the level of isolation will gradually increase as she is likely to claim more and more freedoms.

• I encourage and accept that my partner does not inform me of her plans for the day in many occasions. If she goes out, I may know where she is and that I am expected to pick her up or be at home, but I do not request to know how long she will be out for. If I eat at home and my partner has not eaten, I tend to get scolded.
• When watching TV I am not involved in the choice of programme. My partner loves to watch Korean and other Asian dramas where subtitles are required to follow. As I am often asked to massage her whilst she watches these programs I have no means of understanding the programmes but I have asked her that even after she is happy with the massage, She should expect me to wait on her, and not just leave the room.  
• As she is planning the day, I am wherever possible not asking for her plans. I will follow her when requested to and otherwise ensure that I can serve her and have anticipated any needs that she may have. 

Whilst I have started on the above and these are in some way already a reality, I would like to go deeper with these experiences. I am currently thinking about ways that she would arrange more proactively:

During our long distance relationship, she has often asked me not to see her on weekends where she wanted her piece and quiet. I was explicitly uninvited on such weekends for example to allow her to read the new Harry Potter. 

As we will be living together, I would love her to engineer such weekends in the future. My partner is willing to go to some length to establish her freedom and I can see her preparing a program for me for a day or weekend so she can have the house for herself. If for example I was to arrive at home on a Friday night and be asked to surrender all money and cards and then be sent to take a picture of some random - non important item some 25 miles away, having to walk there and back, I think this would be a very sensual idea. 

I also wonder if it could be possible to try something similar to a self experiment that I have tried in the past. my partner has lost a lot of love letters that I have sent her when we first dated. They were stories she loved and that I find hard to get the inspiration to rewrite anywhere near as nice. I could imagine that being isolated from her could help with this inspiration.

I can see several ways how this could work. Being tied to a chair and desk with only a pen and some paper or a laptop to write these stories would be one option. I have often dreamed in the last few months that she could send me to walk to a pub a few miles away, buy a dram and start writing a love story for her, bring it back and repeat the exercise until one day I have written one that would pass her review. 

All this centres around the insecurity of what happens next the loss of control and surrendering power. I am not so much interested in the sensory deprivation. Not because I do not like it - I do - but because unless this is what she desires, this form of isolation would not put me into a mood that I am doing this for her. 

I am not sure if I will ever find a way of convincing her of the last few ideas. They are far to drawn out to really still be interesting but if she ever get to understand me well enough to come up with similar ideas, then I think I have truely arrived at the point where I can stop thinking about these desires and let her fantasy and creativity rule my life completely. 

Conclusions: Introduction

I read the wonderful post Isolation and Confinement by Lady Anna's slave d earlier today.  I was not at all surprised about the way that fantasy turned reality was not quite as congruent as one might expect. I can follow d's thoughts very well. I doubt I have experienced the level of Isolation he described, I had similar experiences and would not expect Isolation to be as pleasurable as my old fantasy world may have assumed. (I have been at a point where I wanted to be submitted to the OWK prison and trust me if there had been an non punishment version with purely isolation and confinement I would have been there)

Whilst driving down South I had 5 hours to ponder about this blog and have decided to share some of the experiences that led me to my current way of thinking and approach to D/s and my relationship. These write ups  will be combination of conclusions from experiences with my partner, a lot or reading on and offline. Until recently though a lot of this reading had created more questions that answers. In many areas I had little if any idea what real life would be like. Three months ago I had the privilege to be allowed to session with an excellent Mistress, for essentially one day (on reflection I am glad it was not any longer).

I had long thought about such a session and probably wanted to learn more from it than I could have realistically learned in a whole month of 24/7 relationship. However I can only say that the more I think about it the expertise put into this session was tremendous and the wealth of conclusions I can draw from it has astonished me ever since.

I am planning to use all these sources for this series of write ups which I shall call "Conclusions". At the moment I think there will be about 10 segments with below topics, but the topics and order may change as I go along.

• Isolation
• Helplessness
• Independence and Dependence
• Service
• Submission and Love
• Pain
• Sexual Arousal
• Punishment
• Comfort and Discomfort
• Out of Session and in Session

I also hope that I will have the dedication to keep this blog alive long enough to comment at some point on the ways my thinking has changed over time. 

Second Night at her Feet

Last night was the second night that I slept on a thin gym mat at the end of the bed. I was very tired and fell asleep promptly after giving her a massage.
In the past I often had problems that I could not sleep when my partner was reading (we do not have any reading lights, just the bright ceiling lights in the bedroom) This again was not a problem last night and makes me very happy as it made me feel very unhappy in the past.

Unlike the night before I also slept fairly well from midnight until 6 am - which is not long but enough. After I work up, I loved to see her use up the whole space of the bed. This is exactly what this is about. I want her to be the true princess and she has complained again and again in the past that I was infringing too much on her space in the bed.

For the last two hours I have dealt with some admin stuff for both of all, I am preparing breakfast now and will then wait in the bedroom until she wakes up to give her another massage.

Yesterday I failed to perform up to her standards when cooking. It triggered an argument and even though I do not know what I could have done to avoid this I want today to be absolutely harmonic, before leaving back the weekday life (or as she puts it before I make space for her weekday boyfriend - our cat who tends to occupy the spaces where I sat or slept over the week).

Cleanliness

I in the tagline of my blog I state quite clearly that I believe my partner would not be in any long term relationship where the guy is not somewhat submissive. I thought it might be useful to explain that in a bit more detail. Much of it is centered around my partner being extremely sensitive to anything regarding hygiene, and cleanliness. A few examples.

The Slipper Ordeal

Out flat has a carpeted bedroom, a living room with a rug under the couch and other than that beautiful old floorboards. If I walk into the flat I am to take off my shoes immediately and change into slippers. If I walk into the bedroom, I will take the slippers off and walk in there in socks only, as slippers are not to be worn on a carpet.

The living room is more tricky. Remember there is a rug. A rug is like a carpet. There is also a great open plan kitchen in the living room - with no rug. So when I was cooking tonight the required actions were like this:

• Pour a glass of wine
• Walk to rug
• Take of slippers
• Walk to partner
• Give her the glass
• Walk back to slippers and put on
• Walk back into the section of the living room without rug. 
• ...

I cannot seriously believe that any partner that does not utterly enjoy being commanded would ever endure this for more than a few time. 

By now I have somewhat got used to it, but sometimes I let it slip a bit and serve the glass of wine taking one step onto the rug. If she notices this, I get seriously scolded.

Statistics

I am a bit of a geek when it comes to things technical and whilst I have tried quite hard to get up momentum for this blog in the last week, at a level that won't be sustainable long term - I have spent more time weeding through the visitors stats on Blogger's own analysis tools as well as the Google Analytics ones.

A few observations:

• I would like to thank Lady Anna and D for linking back to me. Most of my traffic has come via their blogs. Having traffic is an enormous encouragement and will hopefully keep me going for a while. 
• I have a lovely friend a in Gourock. I am most certain that he spends his life in the gym and sailing and will not be interested in a submissive minds. But as I seem to have a regular reader from just a stone throw away, there must be two friends (or one friend and a a stalker in that area). IF you read this, don't be freaked out I cannot find much more out about this person, but almost 40 page views is quite an achievement :-P 
• Now the next item is a bit of an embarrassment. I cannot really recall having written about "cuckold"-ing. But the first (and so far only search term) that has referred to this blog is about cuckolding. I have some views on it but I won't share them - at least not just yet. After all whilst my partner does not actually know this blog yet, I might want her to read it at some point in the not too far future.

Not based on statistical analysis is another fact: I have had three people comment on this blog some of them multiple times. Whilst I have only had the privilege to meet one of these in person, I am deeply delighted and thankful that people have taken the time and effort to comment. More than website traffic this is a true inspiration, confirmation and encouragement. I am also glad that so far all feedback was well phrased and thoughful. As a submissive who does not mingle in the scene and feels very distanced to masochism, I sometimes feel insecure about what I am. I often have a desires that I consider unusual and that I want to express. At the same time I feel that the average "bdsm'er" would actually consider my feeling very vanilla.

And as she woke up ....

... I gave her a massage and hug combination and thanked her for seeing this through. After a few kisses, I cautiously asked if she enjoyed having her bed for herself.

She reacted with a very very big smile and said "yes". Oh, I love her.

Dream to Reality

So there I was, lying on a mat, no more than half an inch thick on the floor. After months of dreaming about it, a reality check is great. It reminds one how much daydream desires and reality differ at times.

But I have no regret. Not a single one. So here is how I felt:

• I felt thankful: My partner accepted my desire, she allowed me to go through with it and she did not budge a bit. I was allowed to sleep down there and if I had tried ti change my mind I am certain she would have reminded me of that for a long time. 
• I felt the pain: It is not meant to be easygoing. It is not meant to be cushy an soft it is meant to be a reminder that I do not deserve as much as I seek for her. Or rather that looking forward I hope that she will be able to withhold this comfort from me whenever she desires - without feeling any remorse or regret and maybe even enjoying it. 
• I felt proud: We have a spare bedroom with a nice bed and I could have opted for that, but again its not the idea. I desire to be close, I desire to feel the pain for being close. Being close I could look at her sleeping there at any point in time. I was there to massage her feet is she woke up or asked for it.
• I felt desire: To be honest all night I was very aroused. I was further away than I would normally be but I felt close. I felt I did what was fair to her (make sure her bed sheets will not smell or otherwise be spoilt by me). I felt she was there in all her grace without the slightest impurity.

I loved last night and I hope there will be many more. Yes I did not sleep a lot but enough. Sleep is overrated it's like practising death.

The next Stage

It was a long drive down here this evening and I played with various thoughts on how best to sell the idea of not sharing the bed. Every weekend one of my last actions is to change her sheets as she cannot bear sharing sheets with me for more than two nights in a row. So there is a pointer.

Pretty much the first thing I did after getting through the door was to shower tonight and (maybe luckily) I then had a bit of a sweat over dinner. She immediately picked up on it, so I had a most perfect lead to propose my idea. And - luckily for me - there was no opposition at all.

I have laid out the mat. A few moments later, she walked over it and commented that it was quite soft so she does not need to feel bad about it. I hope I can take that it means she is happy with it, she clearly looked it.

I massaged her feet for a short while as she was reading. I made sure I was well off the bed, just kneeling next to it. I do think she notices these things, but I am never certain. When I had my head very close to her toes, she wiggled a bit, to just ever so slightly tough my face. I was in heaven.

I have been quite aroused since - it is a feeling that does not easily disperse. I am looking forward to the night. Thoughts are a submissive's most wonderful aphrodisiac. Thoughts combined with dreams are my zone, my sub space.

I will see how it goes tonight, but tomorrow I hope I can suggest that I shall not sleep in bed again unless she explicitly invites me to. Actually something is telling me she will smile when I say that.

The Wimp - or More Thoughts on separate beds

Now everywhere online a seeking sub will find reminders that even the most dominant of mistresses are hunters and gatherers and that being a maudlin sub ain't the way to success.

When I was young, I thought I was fucked. I wanted to be dominated I was the weak bloke and I wanted the women who would sort just everything out for me.

I have wisened up a tad bit, and I hope I understand this better - though I am not too sure. My partner would not love me if I was a persistently depressed sod who would just live to serve her. And I would not be happy in this role.

So my secret weapon (if that is the right name for something that takes years and years to slowly develop) is to show her the benefits for her and then almost appear a bit reluctant. So with regards to suggesting different beds? I am quite clueless how to play it by that rule. 24 hours to go to try.

Sharing the Bed(room)

I have previously written about how I feel with regards to sharing the bed. I do not expect it, but I want to be close. I have sometimes slept in the living room (voluntarily) and not because we had fallen out but because I was wide awake too long and kept moving which woke her up several times.

My dream is to establish a 'lower' bed, with a less soft mattress and less nice sheets. A place to feel close to her but not to infringe on her space. I am not opposed to the idea of being asked to sleep elsewhere (luckily we do not have a cellar) but I would like a default option that is showing my respect as well as a sexual distance.

Sleeping in her bed should be by invitation only and only for as long as she benefits. So for example I should be the one who remains awake after a hug and as soon as she is asleep, I shall move to my bed.

She has complained many times about me moving about at night. As we are moving more and more stuff together preparing for our final union in October, I will take a gym mattress with me this weekend and ask her for permission to sleep at her feet. I am hoping I will spend most of the night awake, like I did the first time we met. I am hoping she will approve and maybe even be proud that I feel it is appropriate to do this for her. I hope she will grow to the idea in a way the she asks for this to be the default.

Hoping that there is someone interested, I will try to keep this blog up to date this weekend.

The Chastity Question

"Aw, how cute." - That is how I would love every women to respond if she was faced with a guy who is wearing a chastity belt. Utopia aside, I have dared to discuss this topic with my partner. I am certainly not regularly in chastity - nor would I ever be sure I'd want to be, but the idea has found its place up there in my mind next to many of the other fetishes.

So why would I discuss a topic like chastity with my partner? Well - that's the point, we did not discuss it. I got the belt myself - when she was on holiday and when I had it, I put it on and asked her to keep the keys. Unfortunately it did not go as planned. She took the keys and with quite a bit of a smile - put them in her purse. 

It was a Friday evening and I clicked the belt shut, snuggling up with her and making sure she was happy. We then fell asleep. I had made sure I was shaven, I had applied generous amounts of lubricant so what could go wrong?

Two hours later, I awoke to excruciating pain. It was not that I had an erection, quite the contrary, but the harmless looking latex birdlock had squeezed the skin of my ballsack and kept squeezing it. Having discovered the first downside I was due to identify the second shortly after: It was almost easier to pull out of this cage than it is to take off my underwear.

I am unsure whether to try a different belt. I did like some things about this one though. the softness made it possible to be teased and despite any sensation being padded by half a cm of latex, it has a feel to the cage. I remember trying the CB-2000 years ago when it was new and the plasticy belt hid any sensation from the penis. I felt that was a truly confusing feeling and I much preferred the birdlocked cage in that regard. 

Shopping

Once upon a time there was a little boy who felt towards the women he liked as if he had found the goddesses to adore and pray to. He was naive enough to believe that it was perfectly normal to have a little shrine for your beloved and that the right Mistress would one day come along whip wielding and with an endless supply of rope and leather body bags and keep him in her torture prison. 

Our boy, lets call him Aziraphale, would look at websites of Mistresses like Princess Sierra and quietly get scared that one day he may end up just passing through all his hard earned cash to one of those Mistresses. But being scared did not beat the curiosity so our little boy kept looking. He kept constant taps on the websites of several professional mistresses and had profiles on all sorts of early versions of fetlife and informed consent, on all the kinds of boards that existed in German, Russian or English. 

But our boy who was just that a 18 or 20 years old who did not feel grown up at all was scared. Too scared to go to munches or any such events so he looked in the real in the vanilla life. One day he found a girl that he really liked and when he groomed her he remembered being the sub that he was. 

He had smartened a little and never offered to pass her all her money (at least not at the start), but he dreamed of being kept teased, serving her, cooking for her, cleaning for her and oh yes coming along shopping with her. 

The wisened up boy as well as the reader will now likely say "What fool." But our little boy was foolish enough to advertise his excellent capabilities as a shopping companion. He thought it was sexy, a great opportunity to be subservient, patient. 

Patient? Indeed he was a very patient person but he had never reckoned with her. The first few shopping trips  were fine. They bought shoes (and bliss he had to carefully hide his hardon), lingerie (jup same thing happened). The next time it was normal clothes and there was no hardon. In the first few years she did not have a car and he used to come along to ASDA to carry the bags for her on the bus. 

But the ASDA Shopping got gradually more difficult. She loves shopping, and she is the slowest person shopping. So our boy trolls along, frustrated annoyed. Here and there he is summoned to calculate Weight Watchers Points for her (without a calculator and she won't be pleased if once at home she gets a different result), get the off things from other isles that she has forgotten. He starts looking at the other women, jealously - no matter how ugly they are or old, they all complete the aisle twice as fast. 

By the time they get to the checkouts he is frustrated, helps packing. She corrects him, frozen vegetable does not go in the same back as Ice cream, salad has its own bag must not mix with fruit. He is frustrated and carries the bags to the car and the home into the kitchen. 

She drives back, he is quiet, tired of being so slow, but at home he is thankful. Thankful that she allowed him to come along. Thankful that she keeps nagging him for the little details. Thankful that she will accept a massage and a cup of tea. She might mention how good that she has a professional massage later that week though.

Fetishes

I'd lie if I say I do not have fetishes but mostly they annoy me. Now I am trying to see this from the dominant women's perspective. Surely her view of things should by "Why should I care?". For my part, I like feet. They arouse me, naked women's feet in stockings, in high heels are a very very sexy concept to my mind. But it is not the essence of my relationship. Quite the contrary. Being a sub, I would never expect the dominant to wear clothes especially for me.

My partner loves to wear socks. Unless when she is dressed up, she wears them 24/7 including in bed. I have to ask to remove them when giving her a foot massage and not infrequently will I be rejected. If I do get permission to remove them, I will always have to put them back on when the foot massage is completed.

I rarely see my partner is stockings. As I get home late, I usually know that if I do, she has left them on because my massages are longer and more dedicated. But it is a treat for me, a treat I would never expect.

Now, think of the world of porn and pro domination. Yes there will be exceptions to the rule but there appears to be so much of the Latex, the Leather, the stupidly high heels that I struggle to find a bit of credibility left. I love some of the works of Maitresse Madelaine but each time I see it, I want to see the women enjoying herself not the women donning on the tight latex dress to please.

I might just not get it. To me a fetish is a desire - a wish. It is one of the most wonderful things to be catered for but it must be exceptional. If it is not pleasing the one I wish to serve then it should not need become a reality.

Google+

Facebook is out, Google+ is in? Or is it Facebook rules and Google has just started its own fall?

Both don't work for me. I cannot be the "here me" on either without being at risk of being the "work me" and whilst the "work me" can be identifiable for the "mates me" one of them lives on xing and linkedin whilst the other one lives of facebook and google+.

But worst of all I need to log off my google+ and normal email before getting here. Keeping a privacy in this linked world is a nightmare. I believe there is a huge business case for a network provider that does circles AND  privacy. Now Google seems to be trying that do I trust them?

Look here.

Humiliation

I am very ambiguous about humiliation. As my submissive feeling developed it was something that was never on the agenda. I loved the thoughts of bondage, I loved the ideas of putting her first, but humiliation? I never really thought about that.

So I feel very thankful for a comment - actually my first comment - (by no lesser than the very impressive Lady Anna herself) to point my mind to this very topic.

Humiliation has not passed me by, I have just never been led by it or consciously tried to influence it. I can look back at four relationships where there was some humiliation in each of them.

Lady No 1: Was a proper catholic - outwardly. We dated for about 4 months. She took great pleasure at teasing. More pleasure at being a great catholic, so I was never allowed to, well you can guess what. She had a somewhat humiliating way of expressing that she could make me hard at any time with me losing any sense of control.

Lady No 2: I met here when I was still dating Lady No 1. We both were on holiday on the South Coast and I confided in her my submissive desires. She was great about it, understanding, took time to listen, and she was about 5 years older than my. At the end of three weeks holiday I was truly in love with her and broke up with No 1. Lady 2 was fine about it but made it clear from the start that I would never be her sexual partner. This did not stop her from inviting me over. Usually she called me on a Saturday or Sunday morning. When I arrived she usually was in her pajamas, unbelievably sexy, a bit of a true Lolita. I was there to hold her to tidy up her flat, whatever was convenient.
She did not need to tease me physically or verbally. She just told about her life and I did the cleaning and maybe got us lunch. The teasing was the stories she'd tell. The stories about the guys she had seen the night before, the stockings that I tidied away from the floor. I experienced what it is like to be a cuckold then I guess.
I never thought of this as humiliation. I am intrigued by the idea of cuckolding - though I would never try to pursue it. I do not think of it as humiliation either. It is just different roles. I am the one to keep her company, he is the one she gets off with. I am sorry but I cannot see the problem.
Lady No 2 and I eventually went different ways. I went to uni at a time when she had dropped out and sought a life as a working girl. I believe she was quite successful at that.

Lady No 3 was my girlfriend for most of university. She was not humiliating full stop.

Lady No 4 is my current partner. I truly love her. She is very independent, optimistic and never short of a smile. I was open about being submissive from the start and she was never 'into it' but has very dominant traits. One of them is that she keeps calling me nick names that are well 'cute' in public. One the other hand she as an extremely sensitive nose and will not stop insulting me in public if I sweat too much. She would not discuss my submission in public, but I never feel sure which of her girlfiriends know that I go down on her a hell of a lot more than we have proper sex and if they do, it can come up in conversation when I am around. I love this very light level of humiliation.

There I am. I do not look for it but it has found me. I like the thrill of it, yet I would not want to encourage more or try to reduce it.

Scared

I am somewhat scared. We have been living in a long distance relationship for 7 years. We saw each other almost every weekend but there were three kinds of weekends:

• Those when we did things together - much like a normal couple
• Those when I travelled 10 hours to see her but she decided to prefer a book over really interacting with me.
• Those when I was told to stay at home because she wanted a quiet weekend.

Things will soon change and I will live with her permanently. I am looking forward to it. I am scared. I love her, and I want to get everything right fo her, but I know I cannot. As a sub, I function best when I am close to her but beneath her. I am aroused when arousal is all I can get. I have always preferred the weekends where my pleasure was completely irrelevant to those when she allowed me to get pleasure.

All of this will soon change. I am working on a smooth transition but a transition that I can enjoy as much as she can. I hope she will learn to like it, I hope one day I will stop dominating from the bottom. Until then I hope she understands that I am merely trying to help her, find and develop her domination.

Lady Anna's Rules

I feel like a bit of a stalker, the wonderful Lady Anna of Bradford has started a blog less than a week ago and I am the first follower and even dedicate a post to one of hers. I have not really been able to sleep the last weekend as this post came back into my mind at an idle moment. But before I write any more about it, here it is for you to read.

I have never met Lady Anna, but I regularly parse through the comments on ProfessionalDomination.co.uk and her comments are indicating an outstanding level of dedication to her profession and high level of experience. Reviews and her own website are also excellent and should reassure anyone in doubt that she is in this for the joy and not the pay check.

But let me cut to the chase.The post is about a client having turned relationship - a bit of a fairy tale for many of us subs I am convinced but what struck me are the rules Lady Anna has described.

I was intrigued to see how dimilar these official rules are to the relationship between me and my partner, who is not even aware how dominant she can be.

Rule 1: D is in chastity. This means he is unable to masturbate without my knowledge and permission. When he is with me I may allow him to remove his device. When he is away from me he wears a chastity device.

Chastity has been a big thing for me and I am pleased that it is one of the things my partner does not reject. Unfortunately I have manged to get out of any belt we have tried so this has not worked. I am currently putting my Birdlocked belt on when I go to bed with her. I do this voluntarily, but my partner has complimented me that whenever I do so my massages are better, more patient and deeper. My partner is more relaxed and I am more likely to be allowed to sleep next to her.

Rule 2: D's orgasms are controlled by me. This involves an awful lot of denial because I need him to be primed for when I want him sexually. He needs to ask for permission to cum even when we are enjoying intercourse. I may or may not grant him that permission. 

I get aroused whenever I am close to my partner, I hardly orgasm and our regular good night routine is the hug, I will notice if she wants to be massaged. If yes, I will find out if only back massage or legs and feet as well and it is up to me to try and massage her well enough to get her into the mood for me to eat her out.

Intercourse between us is rare - is a most wonderful feeling - but I hardly ever manage to get to ejaculate inside her anyway. Once she has had an orgasm I usually am lying there awake, hugging her until she sleeps, then get up because I am not in the mood to sleep.

Rule 3: He has to wait for permission to sleep in my bed. He may be required to sleep in the cellar. 

I love this rule. I would love us to apply it. We do not have a cellar but I often do not feel tired when she falls asleep so spend some time doing some form of work, internet surfing etc. in the study.

When we met, my partner lived in a shared flat and on my first night staying over at her flat, I begged her to be allowed to share the room with her, sleeping on the floor. She was puzzled why I would not accept her offer to sleep in a proper bed in a vacant room instead - or even share the bed with her.

I love three things about sleeping on the floor:

• I am not a risk of pinching her duvet or waking her up due to movement and if I am sweating over night, her sheets are still pristine the next morning, all I need to do is take my sheets out of the room as soon as I notice I was sweating.
• I notice things earlier. Sleeping on the floor my sleep is light and I wake up easily. So unlike the bed where she would often wake up first, I get as much sleep as I need but no more. I will think of her when I am awake, happy she has the comfort and space of the bed for herself.
• The light sleep has another very important benefit. As I wake up in the morning, I can wait on her, serve her breakfast and drinks, as soon as she wakes up.

Now unfortunately I am harldy ever asked to sleep on the floor, she appreciates it if I wake up sweating but otherwise does not understand the feelings. Just this Friday night, she jokingly told me to sleep on the floor - but never expoected it.

I kept thinking about this all weekend, I was a most arousing idea. After I was sweating quite badly last night I have told her today again, how much I loved the idea of the floor being my bed and how much she f***ed up my mind with her comment.

I am now away for the week again but I have received an email with picture. Text and photo clearly state that the cat has taken my space on the bed. I do hope she is serious. Most certainly she has captured most of my idle thoughts over the week until I will find out on Friday. This is why I love her.

Rule 4: In bed he wears what I want. This includes nylon housecoat, PVC jacket, various handcuffs, ankle cuffs, various collars in steel or leather and anything else that takes my fancy. He always wears wrist cuffs.

I am so jealous! Yes there are some restrictions what she wants me to wear, but no bondage.
Rule 5: He is given spends which he must earn. His debit card and cheque book is in a tin. I have the key. He needs to use his credit card for work expenses and groceries but other than that everything else must be authorised by me.

This is very familiar. I am only given cash and no credit card from Monday to Friday. There is an emergency card but I have only the cash I get for groceries. I used to get my lunch at a cafeteria at work and my dinner from a takeaway. Nowaways my budget is far from allowing that. IT is wonderful when away to think of her when packing my lunch or cooking plain rice for dinner at the end of the week.

Rule 6: He has to ask permission to go to the toilet.

I am not sure I can see the general purpose of this. However, If I need to do a stinky number 2 job, I have to ask if she will need the toilet anytime soon.  If she does I wait until I get the all clear.
 
Rule 7: He isn't allowed to sing.

I don't sing usually. Embarrassingly I sometimes have to dance naked.
 
Rule 8: He has to call me Miss, unless we are with family.

Again this is where my partner is a very vanilla person. I sometimes squeeze the word "Mistress" in. For years it used to trigger a rather annoyed feedback. I am feeling very lucky that sometimes now her reaction is a proud smile.

All in all I am unbelievably thankful for my partner being the closet and uncoscious dominant she is. In some ways I am glad she is not really aware of her dominance. But sometimes it is frustrating. The level of denial is the hardest. I feel proud that after an evening of steady arousal and not being allowed to orgasm myself at the end of it, I accept this and only very rarely violate this by masturbation. But I would love her to be a bit teasing about it. The odd - "If you enjoyed this as much as I do, you must be really strong to accept that you won't come tonight" - would make me so happy but I have come not to expect this.

Apart from the rules there are also some common areas in the punishments section of Lady Anna's post, but I will get to that next time.

Dominant at Work - Sub at Home

I cannot recall how often I heard that submissive men are usually dominant in the workspace. As much as I hate such generalisations, I struggle to find any representative counter examples.

I have recently returned from a holiday and usually I should be relaxed and indeed I did not stress myself out. However I am not feeling particularly effective at work, where I am in a managerial position. Having lived in a long distance relationship, I have the odd weekend that I stay away from family. Now these weekends can be utterly relaxing or very busy going for all way walks, ferrying friends and visitors through the beautiful local countryside. Yet, I never feel like this is is helping me being effective at work after these weekends.

However, if I was held in a demure submissive mood, I usually am quite relaxed the next day. IT helps to keep my mind off any odd thoughts and stuck to an approach of solving the problem.

Hugging

I cannot put into words how important hugs are for me. The hug is not very intimate in its own right, but it is the most powerful magnifier of an intimate moment. Whilst we like to hug, it is the hug after sharing an intimate arousing moment that I refer to here. There are two types of this hug that are most emotional and memorable for me.

The submissive's hug

In most of our sex life, I concentrate on pleasuring her. I usually go down on her slowly and gradually  and try with all my senses to listen to the little signs of her body. I pride myself in knowing and understanding her reaction to my touches.
Being submissive is about admitting to myself and my partner that I need guidance in many areas and that I am not the best person at judging things so I rely on her taking the control. But there is a little pride that in giving pleasure I need no direction. In our relationship this is a small bit where I seek to perform without guidance. The response of her body fills me with pride and happiness. In some ways going down on a woman is a very mechanical task. You listen and adjust persistently, you alternate between very sensitive touches and movements and other moments where your tongue performas with as much speed and strength as you an possibly gather.
As my partner nears orgasm, this task comes to an end. The eruptions in her body are too big to be reacted to and suddenly the hormones are releasedand he falls from her raised level of arousal and tension into a level of happiness and relief.
This is the moment when I hug the submissives hug. I will wrap my arms around her, hold her tight almost too tight.  My hands may massage her shoulders, often I will hold her head. We may lie there for a few minutes in silence but often I will whisper a few words. "Thank you", "I love you", nothing meaningful.
In my role as a submissive this hug has a number of meanings:

• I want to express that what I have just done is for her and only for her. As a submissive I enjoyed what I have just done but I am not seeking any tit for tat return of the pleasure. As far as she is the dominat, she is the only person I will ever do this for, the only person I know well enough to be able to give good oral to.
• I have no problems with being dominant outside our relationship and the bedroom but here there was a paradox. Many of my laddish friends will hardly go down on their girlfriends, they would consider it as degrading. At the core of my submission, I love going down on her. It is wonderful to express deep dedication to her pleasure, yet to be successful in maximising it I need to act creatively and not follow orders. I feel like an artist in submission and my craft has been done. The work perishes but I want to hold on to it for a little longer. I want to delay the transition.

The submissive hug is usually a few minutes maybe 3 or 5, it will trigger thoughts of submission that will usually be with me for longer until I fall asleep.

The dominant's hug

Whilst the submissive's hug is to some extent a reversal of roles, the dominant's hug is a hug that is started by me, but my partner remains in control throughout. It usually starts as a normal hug with one of us holding the other close. When I hope for sexual release before going to sleep, I sometimes direct her hand towards my penis. I have a relatively low chance of her following through but if she does, she will touch me in ways that are mildly painful but guaranteed to make me stand to attention. It is a most wonderful feeling but I must not express this too strongly. If my breathing gets heavier or my heart beat increases she will usually just stop roll over and leave me unhappy and frustrated.
If however I passed by remaining silent, then there are two possible outcomes. The more freqeunt is the dominant hug. It usually starts by her caressing becoming more finger-nail dominated, with tight pinches on nipples, balls and penis. When this increases, I know that I will not be allowed to orgasm that night. but I am to remain silent. Once she is happy with my endurance, she will hug me tight. I believe it is an expression of pride for me giving up the pleasure for her, I do not enjoy pain. The hug is tight but not too tight. She might tease me with a smile or a laugh, sometimes her leg will press against my penis again the hug often only ends when my member has become limp again.
I often struggle falling asleep after the dominant's hug. My mind is overwhelmed by sub space, yet I am thankful for every moment of it.